The Tinder-fication of Money

Why We Ghost Our Financial Goals Like Bad Dates

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The Match That Never Was

The notification had been sitting there for 87 days. Every morning, James would see it on his phone—his investment app, desperately trying to get his attention like an unread message from a Tinder match he'd enthusiastically swiped right on but never actually messaged.

He'd downloaded the app in January, riding high on new-year optimism and his colleague's success story about doubling her money in ETFs. He'd even transferred $2,000, researched some index funds, and almost—almost—made his first investment. But then the market had dropped 3% that week, and he thought he'd wait for a better entry point.

That was three months ago.

Now, every time he saw the app icon, his chest tightened. The $2,000 was still sitting there, uninvested, while the market had recovered and climbed another 8%. The longer he waited, the more foolish he felt. The more foolish he felt, the less he wanted to open the app. It was easier to pretend it didn't exist, like that promising match you never messaged back who eventually stopped trying.

James wasn't unusual. In fact, he was part of an invisible epidemic—the financial ghosters, those who start relationships with their money goals only to vanish without explanation when things get uncomfortable.

When Money Becomes That Person You're Avoiding

We all know the feeling. That slight stomach drop when you see their name pop up—except instead of an ex or an overly eager acquaintance, it's your banking app, your superannuation statement, or that budget spreadsheet you optimistically created three months ago.

Financial ghosting follows a fairly predictable pattern. There's the honeymoon phase, where everything feels possible. You're going to track every dollar. Invest wisely. Finally get your super sorted (or some variation on such ambitious goals). The dopamine hit of starting something new carries you through the setup process. You might even bore your friends talking about your new financial journey.

Then reality hits. Maybe the sharemarket takes a tumble just as you're about to invest. Perhaps you overspend one weekend and can't face updating your budget. Or you simply forget to check your accounts for a week, which becomes two weeks, which becomes two months, and suddenly you're in so deep that logging back in feels like admitting failure.

The Mind Games We Play With Money

What's interesting about financial ghosting is how closely it mirrors our other avoidance behaviours. Psychologists have long studied something called the "approach-avoidance conflict"—when we simultaneously want something and want to avoid it.

Imagine that you want financial security (approach), but checking your accounts might reveal uncomfortable truths (avoidance). Your brain, always looking to protect you from discomfort, often chooses the path of least resistance—which is no path at all.

When I was in undergrad they would often post marks for students in some kind of public place where we actually had to go and check our own grades. I vividly remember avoiding going and checking whenever I felt as though my assignment or exam was poor. On some occasions where I finally got the courage to go and look, I remember feeling an intense discomfort, but eventually deciding that I had to know anyway.

This tendency becomes even stronger when shame enters the picture. Researcher Brené Brown has written extensively about how shame thrives in secrecy, silence, and judgment. When it comes to money, we've got all three in spades. We keep our financial struggles secret, we don't talk about money in polite company, and we judge ourselves harshly for any perceived failures.

The result? That superannuation account you haven't checked in two years. The investment app gathering digital dust. The budget that lasted exactly 13 days before you pretended it never existed.

The Ostrich Effect Is Real (And It's Costing You)

Behavioural economists have a delightful term for this: the "ostrich effect." Just like the myth about ostriches burying their heads in the sand, we tend to avoid information that might be unpleasant. Researchers have found that people check their investment accounts far less frequently when markets are down than when they're up.

Here's where it gets interesting, though. A study of investor behaviour during market volatility found that those who checked their accounts less frequently during downturns actually had better long-term returns. Not because ignorance is bliss, but because they weren't tempted to make emotional decisions.

But there's a crucial difference between strategic disengagement and complete abandonment. One is a choice; the other is avoidance.

The Hidden Psychology of Money Shame

Sarah, a marketing manager, shared her story of financial ghosting with remarkable honesty. "I set up this beautiful spreadsheet budget in January. Color-coded categories, formulas, the works. By March, I couldn't even look at the file name without feeling sick."

What happened? Life happened. A friend's birthday dinner that couldn't be missed. New tyres for the car that couldn't be delayed. A deeply discounted dress that seemed too good to pass up. Each "exception" to her budget felt like a personal failure, and rather than adjusting her budget to reality, she abandoned it entirely.

"It was like I'd rather not know than know I was failing," she explained. "Which is ridiculous, because not looking didn't make the spending go away. It just made me feel worse."

This is the cruel irony of financial ghosting. The very act of avoidance creates more of the anxiety we're trying to escape. Psychologists call this "meta-anxiety"—anxiety about anxiety. We become stressed about being stressed about money, creating a feedback loop that makes re-engagement feel increasingly impossible.

Why Your Brain Makes It So Hard

Understanding the neuroscience behind financial avoidance can be oddly comforting. When faced with potential threats (and your brain often categorizes financial stress as a threat), your amygdala—the brain's alarm system—can override your prefrontal cortex, where rational decision-making happens.

In other words, when you see that banking app notification, your brain might literally be responding as if there's a tiger in the room and so you swipe it away to avoid discomfort.

Add to this our modern relationship with instant gratification. Every other app on your phone is designed to give you immediate pleasure—social media likes, streaming entertainment, food delivery at the touch of a button. Your financial apps, by contrast, often deliver delayed gratification at best, and uncomfortable truths at worst.

Is it any wonder we ghost them?

The Real Cost of Avoidance

While the psychological patterns are understandable, even relatable, the costs of financial ghosting compound over time—both financially and emotionally.

Take abandoned superannuation accounts. The Australian Tax Office estimates there's over $16 billion in lost and unclaimed super. That's money that could be growing, compounding, securing futures—instead sitting dormant because people can't face the paperwork or don't want to think about retirement.

Or consider the subscription economy. How many of us are still paying for services we ghosted months ago? That gym membership you haven't used since February. The investment platform charging monthly fees on an account you haven't touched. The budgeting app that's ironically charging your credit card while you studiously avoid looking at your budget.

But perhaps the highest cost is the erosion of financial confidence. Every day you avoid your finances, you're reinforcing a story: "I'm bad with money." "I can't handle this." "I'm not the kind of person who has their finances together."

These stories become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Finding Your Way Back (Without the Shame Spiral)

Here's what's helpful to understand: financial ghosting is incredibly common. You're not uniquely flawed or permanently broken. You're human, dealing with human emotions around a particularly charged topic in a society that makes money conversations taboo.

The path back doesn't require grand gestures or perfect commitment. In fact, those approaches often lead to more ghosting. Instead, consider what psychologists call "behavioural activation"—starting with the smallest possible step that moves you in the right direction.

For James, the investor who ghosted his app, that meant something surprisingly simple. "I set a weekly reminder just to open the app," he said. "Not to invest, not to research, just to open it and look around for 30 seconds. After a few weeks, it stopped feeling scary."

This approach works because it separates the behaviour (opening the app) from the outcome (making perfect investment decisions). It's essentially exposure therapy for financial avoidance.

The Power of Imperfect Action

Emma, who'd abandoned her budgeting after a holiday spending spree, found her way back through what she calls "messy middle" acceptance. "I realized I was waiting to restart my budget when I could do it perfectly," she said. "But that's like waiting to go to the gym until you're already fit."

Instead, she started tracking just one category—groceries. No judgment, no targets, just observation. "It was weirdly soothing," she said. "Like, okay, I spend $150 a week on food. That's not good or bad, it just is."

This approach is supported by research on self-compassion and behaviour change. When we approach our finances with curiosity rather than judgment, we're more likely to stay engaged, even when things aren't perfect.

Reframing Your Money Relationship

One particularly powerful shift is moving from "I should" to "It might be helpful." Notice the difference:

• "I should check my super balance" feels like an obligation, triggering resistance.

• "It might be helpful to know what's happening with my super" feels like an opportunity, inviting curiosity.

(This approach might even be helpful outside of your own financial choices. Rather than saying to people that they “should” do something, it might be helpful to gently suggest that “it might be helpful” to do the thing).

This isn't just semantic gymnastics. Language shapes thought, and thought shapes behaviour. By removing the moral weight from financial tasks, you make them less likely to trigger your avoidance instincts.

The Gentle Art of Re-engagement

If you're reading this and feeling that familiar twist of recognition—yes, you're a financial ghoster—know that re-engagement doesn't have to be dramatic. Consider these gentle approaches that others have found helpful:

The Safari Method: Treat your abandoned financial accounts like you're going on safari. You're just there to observe, not to hunt. Open the app or website with the sole intention of looking around. What's there? What's changed? No actions required, just observation.

The Friend Approach: How would you treat a friend who came to you admitting they'd been avoiding their finances? You'd probably be kind, understanding, maybe even share your own struggles. Try extending that same compassion to yourself.

The Clean Slate Permission: Sometimes the weight of past "failures" makes restarting feel impossible. Give yourself permission to start fresh. That budget you abandoned? It served its purpose and now you're creating something new. Those months of not investing? They're gone, and that's okay. Today is a new day.

The Progress Not Perfection Mindset: Financial wellness isn't about perfect adherence to a budget or optimal investment timing. It's about general direction. Are you more engaged with your finances than you were six months ago? That's progress, regardless of the specific outcomes.

Building a Ghost-Proof Financial Life

While some level of financial avoidance might be inevitable, there are ways to build systems that are more resistant to ghosting:

Automation as Self-Compassion: Setting up automatic transfers to savings or investments isn't just efficient—it's a kindness to your future self. You're removing the need for constant decisions and the opportunity for avoidance.

Regular Money Dates: Some people find it helpful to schedule regular check-ins with their finances. Not daily (that way lies obsession), but perhaps monthly. Put it in the calendar, make it pleasant—nice coffee, comfortable spot, maybe some good music.

Lowering the Stakes: Instead of viewing every financial decision as make-or-break, try seeing them as experiments. "Let's see what happens if I track spending for a week." "I'm curious what my super balance is." Curiosity is more sustainable than pressure.

Finding Your Why: Understanding why you want financial wellness—beyond the "shoulds"—can help during difficult moments. Is it freedom? Security? The ability to help others? Connection to these deeper motivations can help overcome temporary discomfort.

The Paradox of Acceptance

Here's something paradoxical that many financial ghosters discover: accepting where you are often makes it easier to move forward. The energy you spend berating yourself for past avoidance is energy you could use for gentle re-engagement.

As one recovered financial ghoster put it: "I spent so much time feeling bad about not looking at my finances that I had no energy left to actually look at them. When I accepted that I'd been avoiding them and that was okay, suddenly I had space to be curious about what was actually there."

Your Ghost Story Doesn't Define You

If you recognize yourself in these stories—if you have apps you haven't opened, statements you haven't read, financial relationships you've abandoned—you're not alone. Financial ghosting is a remarkably common response to the intersection of money stress, societal shame, and human psychology.

The beautiful thing about ghosting, though, is that unlike other endings, this one is reversible. Those apps, accounts, and goals are still there, waiting patiently. They don't judge your absence. They don't demand explanations. They're simply there when you're ready.

And if you're not ready? That's okay too. Sometimes the kindest thing we can do is acknowledge where we are without forcing change before its time.

But if you're feeling even a tiny spark of readiness—even just curiosity about what might be possible—that's enough. Start there. Open one app for 30 seconds. Check one balance. Make one small move in the direction of engagement.

Your future self might thank you. Or they might not. Either way, you'll have broken the ghosting cycle, and that's no small thing.

To update a very popular quote:

“The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is whenever you feel ready”

-me